Yogrrrl
By Corey Ann | November 6, 2009
My friend called me that this week. “Yo-grrrrl” slurred together, sounds like he took “yoga” + “girl.”
It’s been a while since I wrote, which I apologize for. Mainly to myself, but to you as well. It was not that I wasn’t thinking of yoga everyday, but rather that I didn’t have time to sit and write. Excuses, excuses, I know.
Reflecting from a conversation I had this week.
Yoga brings awareness and power to my body and mind. Specifically, an ashtanga yoga class brings awareness and power to my body.
Why is this feeling of physical power appealing to me as a woman? (and other women, perhaps?)
I believe this is appealing because for me, as a woman, I have been told repeatedly that my body is not inherently powerful.
Exhibit A:
Periods. At a very young age, many girls experience their period. I do not remember any negative messages about periods from my mother. (She didn’t pull me aside and say - COREY ANN WE’RE CURSED!) However throughout adolescence I was flooded (heh!) with stories about friends who had really rough periods. Remember the one about the girl who tried to use a tampon but didn’t know how and it totally messed her up?! Or the one about the girl who was in so much pain she had to go to the emergency room?? Yeah, me too. Our bodies were doing this crazy thing EVERY MONTH that - umm helloooo - we totally didn’t ask for - or have time for. So, what the hell, body? Not cool. I do not like you. I do not know why you’re doing what you’re doing to me. And I definitely don’t know what my friends’ bodies are doing to them. This societal conception of periods laid the foundation for not understanding my body, not embracing the incredible power it has, and starting to feel the “inconvenience” it brought my life.
Exhibit B:
Provocation. There’s no really eloquent way to say this other than - people look at women’s bodies. A lot. Men look. A LOT. Women look. A LOT. People look whether we ask them to or not. One day before going to the rehab center I got dressed in a tight skirt and tight shirt. After looking in the mirror I immediately changed because I knew the patients (boys, girls, men, women) would comment. I put on loose pants and a loose white button down. The first thing I heard when I walked into group with the boys was, “Ms. Corey Ann did you lose weight? You’re so hot.”
There was a loss of power in that moment for me, because again the attention is my body - not me as a whole being. Furthermore, there is the assumption that women are there to be pleasing - especially for men. So, not only should my body be attractive, but I should want to be attractive to other people. I should want to provoke. And let me be clear about one thing - even if I “want to provoke” someone to engage with my body (looking, touching, etc.) I do not believe there is much “power” in that. Sharing a physical aspect of myself is not an act of power, rather it’s an act of giving.
Exhibit C:
Perfection. My body is not perfect. I do not look in the mirror and thing - YES! Perfect! I sit and I nitpick and I try on clothes that don’t fit like they should and I wonder, grrr body! WHY? You know what? I do not think I am the only woman who does this. Call me crazy, but I think quite a few other women feel this same way. In fact, I have never heard a woman say she thinks her body is perfect. Maybe that’s because no one actually thinks that, or maybe it’s because even if someone thought it, they wouldn’t want to say it - because, helloooo “no one’s perfect.” Either situation is less than ideal. Now what does the idea of perfection have to do with power? Frequently, for me, I believe a lot of power comes when something is executed with a high quality, or, level of perfection. So, on an average day, how can my body be powerful if it’s so unperfect in all these areas?
Add these exhibits up and you’ve got a woman who doesn’t know what a powerful body is. My body does things I can’t control that affect my life. My body is looked at and used regardless of my desire for it to be. And my body does not even look the way I want it to. The feeling of a powerful body is elusive. For me, and hopefully other women, yoga gives us a glimpse at what that actually means.
In yoga class, I am consistently guided to “observe” my body in different poses. Hold a position and feel what’s going on. Without judgement. Without criticism. Without worry. Observing the body. I wish I had done this with my period all of my adolescense. In yoga class, there is no provocation. No one is looking around to “check out” the other students. In fact, I don’t even notice anyone around me when I’m in class. When I practice at home, there is absolutely no sexual provocation factor whatsoever. But my body feels stronger and more itself than anytime I’ve ever wanted to “provoke.” In yoga class, there is no perfection. I was told early on that yoga is always a “practice” and that one day can be much different than the previous day. There is always a way to go deeper, to be more aware, to gain more strength, and to understand and embrace where the body has been and where it’s going.
Topics: Yoga Adventures |
November 15th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Yes! I love this.
At least the boy called you “Ms.”