Full Wheel Urdhva Dhanurasana

Today I did Full Wheel in yoga class!! WHAT?! I have never done this pose before. I am always jealous of people who can come in and bam - whip out a back bend. Ginny came with me to yoga and easily popped into it. Gymanstics background and her pure awesomeness were the reasons for her ability.

But today, I did it!! I didn’t plan on doing it. In fact, I was 10 minutes late to the 90 minute class, so I didn’t set an intention or anything. Gina did a lot of prep for it - lots of shoulder opening and leg strengthening. And I felt so good throughout the class. And then, I did full wheel!! So exciting!!

This is something I am going to continue to work on. I realize some days I may be able to do it again, and others I won’t. That’s ok. I did it today. I did it today!!

It’s interesting, I am feeling like I’m having a rough week emotionally. Both of my jobs are causing me struggles. But when I think about it, I don’t actually think my week is difficult - I think I am just experiencing my emotions more. I am going to blame this / credit this to yoga. And my breathing practice. And my asana practice. Noticing emotions, noticing my body, noticing my environment more. Opening up my eyes.

Speaking of my eyes, man, they are places for pressure. On Monday, I could only do 6 minutes of breathing. Tuesday, I accomplished 10 minutes of laying down and breathing (an actual 8 of focusing on my breath, the last two I think I planned my dinner or outfit or something). Tonight, we’re going to try for 15. When I’m laying down breathing, I was instructed to focus on my nostrils - which is more open. Which lung is more open? Let your eyes relax in their sockets. Imagine ice cubes at the back of the eyeballs slowly melting. —Right there - that’s where I feel the most pressure. My eyes. Hmm. Keeping your mouth closed, swallow, and allow your tongue to fall back and away from the top of your mouth. Let your body be supported by the floor. And on and on and on. 15 min.

But! Today I did full wheel! Who knows how my breathing will go tonight!

Also, I promise to start taking pictures of myself in these positions and posting them.

Maybe one day I will be able to do this! And then stand up from it!

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Tonight I had a rough group with the men at New Life Lodge. They were super talkative and rowdy at first when I reviewed - quickly - how to correctly put on and use a condom. So when we transitioned into stages of a relationship I was worried about people talking and not respecting me.

Ugh. All I am doing already is setting up my excuses and reasons for my actions. Basically, a man in a red shirt and a man in a white shirt kept talking in the front corner of the room. I asked them to be quiet. The man in the white shirt said that he was helping the man in the red shirt. Then I said, “Well that’s why I’m here.” And then I said something about how it was “his (white shirt) recovery” and he could let me worry about everyone else. And then the man in the white shirt got mad and crumpled up his worksheet and threw it on the floor. Then a completely different man raised his hand and said, “I’m sorry I’m just getting aggravated because he (red shirt) really needs help understanding stuff - and they’re always together, he’s (white shirt) always helping him out. So unless you’re really going to break it down to him (red shirt) individually, he’s not going to get it.” (Sorry for all the “he”s.) So then I turned to the man who needed help (red shirt) and asked him if he would like his friend (white shirt) to talk with him during the group about what was going on. And he said, “I reckon.” So then I said, “Ok thank you.” And made a few comments to the group about how it is important for me, to hear anyone speak up and speak for themselves. And then we moved on.

UGGGGGGH. I could feeeeeel the discomfort in the room for those interactions. By the end of group, the man in the white shirt came up to me and apologized for getting angry. And I apologized for not knowing and assuming they were not paying attention. I thanked him for speaking up and helping. And I thanked the other man for speaking up as well to help clarify the situation.

BUT STILL. SO MUCH UCK IN MY SYSTEM RIGHT NOW.

I want to crawl into a hole because I feel like I messed up as a facilitator. I came in with the assumption that the men were not paying attention and were goofing off. I did not accurately listen to the man who was being very correct and honest with his statement “I’m helping him.” I should have listened. I should have trusted a little more. UGH.

I am glad that we apologized to each other. I am glad that by the end of the group all parties involved were making eye contact, contributing to the conversation, and laughing. BUT STILL.

No, no more but stills. On the drive home (approx 30 min) I kept trying to lengthen my breath. “The breath is a barometer for the nervous system; as it becomes imbalanced, breathing changes as well, becoming shallow, tense, jerky, and marked by notable sighs and pauses. This in turn is registered by the mind, and an internal feedback loop is established. Changes in breathing create internal distress, which sustains poor breathing, which sustains distress…Thus stress takes on a life of its own; it exists apart from the stressor that originally triggered the reaction.” - Yoga, Mastering the Basics

So I’m breathing, lengthening my breath. And then I am reminded of something another counselor told me. He told me that when animals experience something traumatic - let’s say, a deer almost getting hit by a car, they physically shake out their body to let the traumatic experience leave it. So, that deer would dodge the car (or, let’s be honest, the car would dodge the frozen deer) and then shake furiously - releasing the traumatic event. This way the event does not get stored in the deer’s brain and replay and cause stress, triggers, etc forever and ever.

Humans, however, do not do this physical removal of traumatic events. A traumatic event happens, and it gets lodged in our brain and does not physically leave us. (This is why, it is not odd for me to talk with people who were sexually assaulted as a child and still drink/use drugs to numb the pain at age 35.)

Not that this experience was traumatic, but as I’m driving home, I’m trying to lengthen my breath. And I’m trying to visualize all the ick and uck leaving my body. GET OUT NASTY UGH FEELING. I’m letting it leave. I’m allowing it to move through me. Which results in me getting angry, justifying my actions, justifying his actions, getting sad, being confused, ignoring it, and finally, crying.

I also get home and do bridge pose. I do this because Gina says it is a chest opener (especially when you wiggle your shoulders and arms underneath your body) and Gina talks about the fact that whenever you open your chest you experience different emotions and release them. So, I do bridge, breathing, and trying to release.

I am feeling much better now. Probably because I did all of these things, and I wrote about it. I am getting it out. In many ways.

One thing that always comes to mind when something regrettable or unfortunate happens with me is, argg I wish I would’ve done this instead. When we were in the sweat lodge the leader said something that, while I do not know if I completely agree with, came to me. He said, “Let your regrets go. Forgive yourself. Do not think of what you should have done. You could not have done any different than you did. You are doing your best at every moment of your life.”

So when I thought about this, in relation to what happened in group, I developed a sense of calmness and certainty that, yes, this is true. I could not have done anything different tonight. And, probably, if you reversed time and let me do it again, I would not do anything different. I acted on all the principles and beliefs I had at the time. I did my best.

And then I got sad. I got really sad. I got sad that that was the best I could do.

For now, there’s a bit of sadness, a lot less ugh, and a big moment of learning. Because, while tonight I did my best and that was the result, tomorrow my best will be different. And so on and so on.

“At the heart of yoga is the message that every human being is, by nature, balanced and whole, and that this balanced inner self cannot be permanently destroyed or damaged. It is our inherent nature. Yoga is a method for increasing awareness of this inner self. In the process, each level of personality is given attention because when the body and mind are healthy and when personal conflicts have been resolved, the mind is freed for deeper concentration and reflection.” -Yoga, Mastering the Basics

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Self Indulgence tastes better with Salsa!

On Sunday, yes I know it’s currently Tuesday, but at yoga on Sunday we talked a lot about the need for balance. We talked about the importance of balance in our lives. It’s important to be busy and active and just as important to be calm and still and restful. Us Westerners - err lemme rephrase that - specifically myself - do not really practice this idea of “rest.” Yes, I love to sleep, but that is physically relieving the body of its activity, it is not being still or calm.

One of my favorite compliments I ever received was actually sophomore year in high school from Eric Seifert (crazy right?). He told me, “Corey Ann you are so well rounded.” Now, I don’t know if he remembers this, I don’t know if he really knew what he meant, and I don’t know why he said it. However, I do remember thinking at the time - yes! That is what I want to be! And still to this day, I enjoy the idea that I can be a well-rounded person. This to me means I am interested in all types of areas and experiences and topics. If you ask me to go to a sweat lodge - I’ll be down. If you ask me to go speed dating with you - I’ll be there. If you ask me to go to a Hustler Halloween party - I’ll bring the party.

I understand the idea of “balance” in terms of where my interests and skills fall in my life. Now I have to start understanding the idea of “balance” in the practice of my life.

Our homework this week was to do pranayama (breathing exercises) for 15 minutes everyday. Last night I did it for 6 minutes. Tonight I will try again for 15. It is very difficult for me to stop, lay down, focus on my breath, my eyes, my tongue, my nostrils, my lungs, and keep an empty mind for 1 minute let alone 15. But, that’s why we practice.

“Meditation is not something you do. It’s a state of being. Either you are meditating, or you are not.” -Nancy Kirkland (my teach)

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Second day, 5 hours, check.

My sacrum hurts. Seriously, ya’ll. I think it’s because I sat for 2 hours on cold, hard ground with no cushion last Sunday. And all we do in class right now is SIT on our yoga mats. I was the young child in class, consistently moving around, laying down, sitting on my blanket, leaning against the wall. Most of the other students were sitting cross legged straight up. I can barely do that for 5 min, let alone 5 hours. Sheesh! But seriously, my sacrum hurts.

Sacrum comes means “sacred” in Latin. (big jump there, eh?) So the most sacred part of my body hurts. Ow. Granted, I do not consider the sacrum to be the most sacred part of my body. But our teacher did challenge us to think about what we consider the most sacred part, and what we consider the “center” of our body.

Class was good today. The first half was all about anatomy and hips and legs and foundation and muscular structure. I took 4 pages of notes. Fantastical. We talked about why we even do asanas (poses) in the first place. “Stillness of the mind” was the general response - doing active poses allows us to still our mind. If you told me to sit still and clear my mind, my mind would go crazy. It would not be clear. But doing poses allows my mind to practice focusing on my body and on the present and eventually helps me move to a place where I could sit, be still, and clear my mind. Stepping stones, if you will.

So that’s how we got to the idea that yoga is “meditation in movement.” Me gusta mucho.

The second half of the day was spent on philosophy and breathing. In all honesty I was much more interested in the first half of the day, but that is my challenge, and I am working on it. She did introduce a cool concept called “Kaivalyam” which means - freedom or liberation from connectedness to materials. Our teacher talked about the concept at first meaning “alone” or “liberation in aloneness” which is something I am definitely connecting with right now. In fact, my liberation in aloneness is what is providing the time/option/ability to do the teacher training. If I had more connections to the material world I would probably not have done the training.

Also, today we learned that the correct pronunciation of the word “yoga” is actually “yog.” This is throwing me for a loop. In all of yoga (think: yog) the “a” at the end of words is silent. So Tadasana (ta-dah-sa-na) is actually pronounced ta-dah-san. This is the correct way to prounounce the sanskrit words.

Tomorrow class is from 9am-2pm. More updates to follow. Lovelove.

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Well, it came and it went. All day at work I was thinking about 6pm. Before I knew it 2 hours had passed and our first class was over. I was giddy, of course. And got there a lot earlier than anticipated (isn’t traffic on Woodmont normally horrific?) so I drove around for a while, and then showed up only 10 minutes early (instead of the 25 I would’ve). Everyone was nice, eager to say hello and learn names. We sat around the edge of the room and our teachers talked for a while. Zo and Nancy are their names. We did a bit of sun salutations, introduced ourselves to the group, and they went over the certification. All in all there were moments of - Ahh yes!! - but I can’t seem to remember them now.

I know that I will not be able to attend class on Halloween because of my work at AshBlue. They changed the schedule on us, which is a bummer. But to make up these hours I am going to be one of the “group photographers” and will be taking pictures of our poses and posting them online as a reference for others. So I will definitely be posting any cool pictures, and hopefully some of me too!

The woman next to me did not know what any of the sun salutations were so Nancy helped her with that. And the man on the other side of me talked about how he could do the scorpion pose (the one I JUST blogged about wanting to eventually be able to do) - but then he tried to do it and really failed.

I feel very positive about the program so far. However right now I am feeling very still in my reflection of it. I have a list of things to read and take notes on, but for tonight I am going to bed early and will get up in the morning to start on those. Saturday we meet 12-5 and Sunday we meet 9:30-2. Here goes my weekend o’yoga!

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Anxiety. It hit me today like a ton of bricks in yoga class with Gina at the Y.

I haven’t been practicing as much as I feel like I should be before I start training on Friday. Part of me wants to enjoy the time before the intensity. Part of me is lazy. And then there’s the part of me that’s guilty for not doing everything I feel like I should be doing.

Anyway, the last time I went to class was Friday with Gina, now it’s Wednesday and I’m back for the 90 min class with her (which I love). Before class starts I chat with a work out friend and I tell her about the training. She’s so positive - “That’s awesome! Man I wish I could do that! Way to go!” And then she says, “I’m not good enough to do that!”

Eeek. She just gave voice to my biggest fear.

I brush it off, we chat some more, class starts. Sure enough, this woman is kickin’ butt! I mean she’s got poses down that I’m not even close to. The one I noticed the most that she’s rocking is this pose:

while I’m barely getting all my weight into my hands!
(This pose is called Astavakrasana “Eight Angle Pose”)

And then, the anxiety strikes. Right in the middle of my Savasana (corpse pose) at the end of class, where the whole point is to be still and let your mind be empty and focus on your breath. Right there in the middle of my mind the anxiety strikes.

1. You are not good enough to be a yoga teacher.

2. You will embarrass yourself.

3. You will fall.

4. Everyone else will be better than you.

I lose track of my breathing, I’m making up scenarios in my head, I’m not paying any attention to my body, my mind is racing, and then I hear Gina, through my screaming thoughts walk by and say -

“We’ve got to work with what we’ve got. Don’t worry if it’s perfect. Release the pressure. We can only be right here, right now. We’ve got to work with what we’ve got.”

See why she’s the best? I felt as if she were placing her hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eyes, and saying - take a breath, you’re alright.

And after yoga, this kind amazing woman who is absolutely incredible at the positions and can always do the crazy poses comes up, and unprovoked, tells me my yoga is getting better.    !!!!

On the drive home, after a chat with Sandy, I contemplated my four areas of anxiety.

1. You are not good enough to be a yoga teacher.
That is yet to be determined. Have you been a yoga teacher? No. Have you tried to be a yoga teacher and failed? No. Are you a teacher of other things? Yes. Do you do well at those things? Yes. Did you fill out an application and screening process to get into the program? Yes. The program let you in, you have background in teaching/facilitating, and you’ve never tried before. You don’t know, so don’t worry.

2. You will embarrass yourself.
Most likely, yes. That is ok. You are a student again. And while most of your post-college life you spend being the expert or go to person, now you will be a student. You will not know everything, you will embarrass yourself and you will make mistakes. That is part of it. Enjoy it while you can!

3. You will fall.
Yes. Absolutely you will fall, Corey. Get over it. You won’t fall far. And you’ll get up and try it again. You are going to fall.

4. Everyone else will be better than you.
This is possible. You are not as strong as you’d like to be. That will change the more you practice. Do you believe me, Corey?? You will get stronger. Your arms will get stronger, and your core, your legs will get more firm, and your hips will open more and more. Your body can do so much already, give it a chance to grow, believe that this is possible. Also, you could be the worst kid in the class - which will be hard to handle - but will motivate you. And these are your peers, not your competitors. You can learn from them and your interactions just as you will from the teachers.

Anxiety and worry and all that crap, worked through and out and over. Thanks for reading.

P.S. Who’s excited for Friday?!?!

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 One day, I will be able to do this pose. I’m not setting a time frame until I feel ready. Just one day.

Thank you, amazing body, for what you can already do, and what I believe we can do together. You are limitless in so many undiscovered ways.

*Unsupported Scorpion Vrkchikasana I

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So for the past few months I have been offering yoga to the patients at the rehab where I work. The kids love it, and the adults do too. However, after being advised by Geeta, I do not call it “yoga” for the adults, I call it “Strength Building and Relaxation” because, we’re in the south, and there are already enough prejudices against yoga. But then they get in the room with me and mwah-ha-ha they’re doing yoga!

Anyway, tonight I offered a Strength Building and Relaxation group for the adults and this old man shows up. I’ve been working in support groups with him for a while, so I ask,

“Are you physically healthy? Any back problems?”

“No, no no. Perfect health.”

Fantastic.

Let me give you a little background on this man. The first time I met him I was leading a group on the stages of relationship, and at one point he got a bit confused with what I said about marriage. He raises his hand and asks me quite pointedly, “WHO MADE MARRIAGE?” I immediately know where he’s going with this, but don’t want to say - SOCIETY and GOVERNMENTS so I say - Who?

I guess he wasn’t expecting this response because he gets flustered and ends up going on a rant about God and a man and a woman and how what I’m saying is ridiculous and then he says, “All this women’s lib and women’s rights and it’s just insane. It’s just insane.”

Somehow I calm him down, clear up the confusion, and everyone is ok. The next day he comes back and apologizes to me about making a scene and being so mean. Apology accepted. Ok, now we’re cool.

Back to today - so we start, and thankfully it’s just a few people so I’m adjusting, guiding, etc. And I notice this man is standing kind of awkwardly. I ask him if everything’s ok and he says,

“Yeah I just have a wooden leg.”

Ohhh k. My mind is racing while I’m (hopefully) keeping a calm, straight face. What can I do with a man who has a wooden leg, and as I look down - sure enough - no foot! Down dog? No. Cobra? Probably not. Tree? Def not. Any standing position? Not really… CHAIR! Let’s all sit in chairs!

So, I finagle some stuff together - we do a lot of things in chairs - spinal stretches, arms, back, etc. I just finished reading about the spine last night so thankfully I drew from that. Then we sat on the floor and did abs and ended. Phew. Somehow snuck by.

The funny thing - only to me really - is that this morning on the way to work I was thinking about this upcoming training. I was thinking - you know, Corey Ann, you’re pretty fantastical and really smart and you honestly know most everything about yoga, so really this training will just solidify what you know already and make it more detailed. You’ve got this.

Alright, universe, I understand more clearly than before - no I don’t “got this” and yes I thankfully, humbly, desperately have a lot to learn.

Like what to do with a recovering alcoholic who fought in Vietnam and has a wooden leg. Message received.

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Sanskrit? Nope.

Lakota? Ding! Ding! Ding!

Today, I went to Laughing Winds and had the incredible honor of participating in a sweat lodge. (Please don’t roll your eyes, I promise I am not completely granola.) Basically a sweat lodge is a spiritual version of a really hot sauna (around 140 degrees) that started with Native Americans. We spent about 20 minutes in the hut, with red hot rocks, praying, chanting, and listening. Then there’s a break, and we do another 20 minutes. There are 4 rotations (one for each direction). “Mitakuye Oyasin” translates to “all my relations” or “we are all related” and is what you say before you enter the sweat lodge.

Anyway, it’s something I’d wanted to do for a while, and a coworker at New Life Lodge invited me to this one and I jumped at the opportunity. I got a little nervous, so I kept reading in my Yoga Anatomy book about breathing. Supposedly some people can get overwhelmed with how hot it is and they feel like they can’t breathe. I did not want to do that. So I read, and read. And found this.

“It is interesting to note that in spite of how it feels when you inhale, you are not pulling air into the body. On the contrary, air is pushed into the body by atmospheric pressure that always surrounds you. The actual force that gets air into the lungs is outside of the body. The energy you expend in breathing produces a shape change that lowers the pressure in your chest cavity and permits the air to be pushed into the body by the weight of the planet’s atmosphere.”

I don’t know about you, but that definitely threw me for a loop. I tried to explain it to my brother and mother and we had a nice chat about it. (Imagine Aaron doing different breathing styles saying - what about this one! and this one!)

However, this concept was incredibly important for me to learn before the sweat lodge. Because when things got rough - and they got a little rough towards the end - I kept repeating two things to myself. 1) You’re ok, trust your body. 2) Just let the atmosphere do its job.

Yeah, leaning towards crunchy granola.

Anyway I know this doesn’t have THAT much to do with yoga, but it’s a teaching from yoga that did help me and will help me in my life.

Also, during the third of the four rounds in the sweat lodge today they talked about giving thanks and remembrance and connecting with all the mothers and grandmothers and women of the world. Thank goodness we were in complete darkness because I had both sweat and tears pouring down my body. I am completely overwhelmed when I think of the strength of women. When I think of women I’ve never met, of the women before me, and of my family and of my friends. Strength power strength power.

And during the last round the leader sang this song to us, and then everyone who knew it sang it very loudly. I wanted to share it because it was so touching. And I know this is just typing, but I don’t think we hear these things often enough.

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole,
You could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle,
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.

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Yoga training starts soon, and as instructed I have been getting my required books for the class. Two have already arrived:

I can’t tell you how I excited I am about getting BOOKS! For a CLASS!! The last time I did this was January of 2007!!

So I immediately began reading Yoga Anatomy. I mean, how could I not? Look at the cover. I flip it open and the first page says, “Yoga Lessons From a Cell”

Pause.

We’re starting at the cellular level? Really? …at this point you can imagine my energy levels dropping, my sense of academia kicking in, and my acceptance that, yes Corey, this is probably for a good reason…

Fine.

And seriously, not even halfway down the page, I’m already loving it. Loving that the author, Leslie Kaminoff, is saying that understanding the cell helps us understand ourselves, and yoga in a more accepting way. He introduces the concept of prana and apana. Prana is what is taken into a cell (or being) as nourishment AND the action that brings it. Apana is the complementary force, that being what is eliminated from the cell (or being) and the action of releasing it. (To break it down - prana would be like both eating the enchilada, and the delicious enchilada itself. Apana would be going to the bathroom afterwards and the resulting excrement.) Prana and Apana are the “essential activities of life.”

Then, he goes on.

“The [cell] membrane’s structure has to allow things to pass in and out of it - it has to be permeable. It can’t be so permeable, however, that the cell wall loses its integrity; otherwise, the cell will either explode from the pressures within or implode from the pressures outside. The cell’s membrane must balance containment (stability) with permeability.”

Imagine me, in bed, light bulbs going off.

The cell is the smallest part of me. The cell has to be strong enough to still be a cell, but permeable enough to let things in. Hello, I have to be strong enough to still be me, to understand what that means, what that requires, what that allows. But I have to be permeable enough to allow things to affect, in essence, enter who I am. WHAT?! HOW DID A CELL JUST BECOME ME?! And how is it that a cell so easily can identify what its barriers are, what it is, how it defines itself? When I with my big brain still have trouble answering those questions?

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