Tonight I had a rough group with the men at New Life Lodge. They were super talkative and rowdy at first when I reviewed - quickly - how to correctly put on and use a condom. So when we transitioned into stages of a relationship I was worried about people talking and not respecting me.

Ugh. All I am doing already is setting up my excuses and reasons for my actions. Basically, a man in a red shirt and a man in a white shirt kept talking in the front corner of the room. I asked them to be quiet. The man in the white shirt said that he was helping the man in the red shirt. Then I said, “Well that’s why I’m here.” And then I said something about how it was “his (white shirt) recovery” and he could let me worry about everyone else. And then the man in the white shirt got mad and crumpled up his worksheet and threw it on the floor. Then a completely different man raised his hand and said, “I’m sorry I’m just getting aggravated because he (red shirt) really needs help understanding stuff - and they’re always together, he’s (white shirt) always helping him out. So unless you’re really going to break it down to him (red shirt) individually, he’s not going to get it.” (Sorry for all the “he”s.) So then I turned to the man who needed help (red shirt) and asked him if he would like his friend (white shirt) to talk with him during the group about what was going on. And he said, “I reckon.” So then I said, “Ok thank you.” And made a few comments to the group about how it is important for me, to hear anyone speak up and speak for themselves. And then we moved on.

UGGGGGGH. I could feeeeeel the discomfort in the room for those interactions. By the end of group, the man in the white shirt came up to me and apologized for getting angry. And I apologized for not knowing and assuming they were not paying attention. I thanked him for speaking up and helping. And I thanked the other man for speaking up as well to help clarify the situation.

BUT STILL. SO MUCH UCK IN MY SYSTEM RIGHT NOW.

I want to crawl into a hole because I feel like I messed up as a facilitator. I came in with the assumption that the men were not paying attention and were goofing off. I did not accurately listen to the man who was being very correct and honest with his statement “I’m helping him.” I should have listened. I should have trusted a little more. UGH.

I am glad that we apologized to each other. I am glad that by the end of the group all parties involved were making eye contact, contributing to the conversation, and laughing. BUT STILL.

No, no more but stills. On the drive home (approx 30 min) I kept trying to lengthen my breath. “The breath is a barometer for the nervous system; as it becomes imbalanced, breathing changes as well, becoming shallow, tense, jerky, and marked by notable sighs and pauses. This in turn is registered by the mind, and an internal feedback loop is established. Changes in breathing create internal distress, which sustains poor breathing, which sustains distress…Thus stress takes on a life of its own; it exists apart from the stressor that originally triggered the reaction.” - Yoga, Mastering the Basics

So I’m breathing, lengthening my breath. And then I am reminded of something another counselor told me. He told me that when animals experience something traumatic - let’s say, a deer almost getting hit by a car, they physically shake out their body to let the traumatic experience leave it. So, that deer would dodge the car (or, let’s be honest, the car would dodge the frozen deer) and then shake furiously - releasing the traumatic event. This way the event does not get stored in the deer’s brain and replay and cause stress, triggers, etc forever and ever.

Humans, however, do not do this physical removal of traumatic events. A traumatic event happens, and it gets lodged in our brain and does not physically leave us. (This is why, it is not odd for me to talk with people who were sexually assaulted as a child and still drink/use drugs to numb the pain at age 35.)

Not that this experience was traumatic, but as I’m driving home, I’m trying to lengthen my breath. And I’m trying to visualize all the ick and uck leaving my body. GET OUT NASTY UGH FEELING. I’m letting it leave. I’m allowing it to move through me. Which results in me getting angry, justifying my actions, justifying his actions, getting sad, being confused, ignoring it, and finally, crying.

I also get home and do bridge pose. I do this because Gina says it is a chest opener (especially when you wiggle your shoulders and arms underneath your body) and Gina talks about the fact that whenever you open your chest you experience different emotions and release them. So, I do bridge, breathing, and trying to release.

I am feeling much better now. Probably because I did all of these things, and I wrote about it. I am getting it out. In many ways.

One thing that always comes to mind when something regrettable or unfortunate happens with me is, argg I wish I would’ve done this instead. When we were in the sweat lodge the leader said something that, while I do not know if I completely agree with, came to me. He said, “Let your regrets go. Forgive yourself. Do not think of what you should have done. You could not have done any different than you did. You are doing your best at every moment of your life.”

So when I thought about this, in relation to what happened in group, I developed a sense of calmness and certainty that, yes, this is true. I could not have done anything different tonight. And, probably, if you reversed time and let me do it again, I would not do anything different. I acted on all the principles and beliefs I had at the time. I did my best.

And then I got sad. I got really sad. I got sad that that was the best I could do.

For now, there’s a bit of sadness, a lot less ugh, and a big moment of learning. Because, while tonight I did my best and that was the result, tomorrow my best will be different. And so on and so on.

“At the heart of yoga is the message that every human being is, by nature, balanced and whole, and that this balanced inner self cannot be permanently destroyed or damaged. It is our inherent nature. Yoga is a method for increasing awareness of this inner self. In the process, each level of personality is given attention because when the body and mind are healthy and when personal conflicts have been resolved, the mind is freed for deeper concentration and reflection.” -Yoga, Mastering the Basics

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One Response to “Ugggh I want to crawl into a hole”

1. Asha Says:
   November 15th, 2009 at 7:37 pm

   I think it’s def a hard group for you to be in, as a facilitator, as a woman, as a Corey Ann, but I think you do handle situations as best as you could. I don’t think you ruined any situation or embarassed or hurt anyone. When I was working at CPS, I had to think to myself at times, “This is not about me, this is not about me,” even though people said and did terrible things. I had to react in ways that would still do multiple things to our relationship and interactions. Does this make sense?

   What is neat about this situation is the fact that a group member spoke up and was honest with you, because he realized he could do this. And he helped out the situation. Who knows if you are a part of why white shirt was helping red shirt? Maybe so.

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